citizendetective | IC contact for lastvoyages

The cup and that, yes. Banging, smashing, anything that's loud and sudden; if I'm not there, he has no context for whether something is about to try and kill him.

That was the case for most of our time together.

Edited 2022-12-05 19:56 (UTC)

I smashed the cup deliberately, to be cruel. But I smacked the table because I was frustrated. Honestly, I had forgotten I did it at all until now.

You did it again, slamming the communicator on the table, after you were asked not to. Was that deliberate?

No. I don't even remember being asked not to.

I was very worked up.

[Which is a difficult thing to admit to - she very nearly erases that line before pressing send.]

Okay. And do you think that you would have done it, after being asked not to, if you weren't worked up? Should I worry about you banging around him all the time, because you think it's okay to do that? Should I believe that you think it's okay to do that to him, to hurt him like that, to ignore his pain?

Or did you do something that has no real bearing on your normal thoughts while you were worked up?

...and yes, the comparison is intentional.

Edited 2022-12-05 20:21 (UTC)

Do those two things really seem the same to you?

Tell me how they're different?

One is doing something without thinking. The other is thinking something and not meaning to say it out loud.

Is it?

Because I told you that wasn't what I did.

I have just as much assurance from you that you weren't being callous about Arthur as you have from me that that isn't an expression of what I think. But you expect me to believe you while you don't believe me.

Really, they're the same.

Okay, they're different things but the same *situation*.

They're not that either.

Because both are an expression of apathy, ignoring or minimizing the hurt of someone else. If you were doing the banging on purpose, I'd have to believe you don't care about or don't believe it's truly harmful for you to do that to Arthur.

The only difference is that you were pointedly told not to do it and why before you did it again. Based purely on the facts, I have less reason to believe you than you have to believe me.

Again, I'm trying to point out similarities and differences. I'm not trying to accuse you. I believe you that you got carried away and didn't realize.

Edited 2022-12-06 01:51 (UTC)

Another difference is that smacking a table out of anger, without any real malicious intent, is something a lot of people do, but saying "those awful things happened to Natalie a long time ago, but Arthur is hurt NOW" is the kind of thing that most people only say when they're being dismissive.

Or when they don't know a word to describe something. Which I still don't. I know it's a thing, though, since Natalie and I talked about it before this even happened.

But you'd still rather nitpick my words than apologize for the shitty thing you did that started that discussion. Still. Even after all this. You did it again.

The two shitty things, in fact. And that's a problem, Misty. Because you never admit you fucked up and you never apologize. Not to me, anyway. That's what I get angry about.

Because that's a choice. Mistakes are mistakes, but you keep choosing to do this. And it makes me feel like you don't want to be my friend so much as you want to make me an enemy to triumph against whenever we talk. Because I never told you we weren't friends after the greenhouse. You decided that. And you didn't even tell me you'd decided that. The next time we spoke about Natalie's pairing, you could have said something but you didn't.

So did you just not care about the fact that we weren't going to be friends? Or was it just not convenient to acknowledge that that's how you felt when I was trying to reassure you. When you wanted to know things. When you were acting to protect your secrets. And no, Misty, I'm not mad about all that.

But I am hurt and disappointed.

Has it occurred to you that I'm not nitpicking, and that what words you use are actually important to me?

It would.

If you accepted all my words. Instead of only the ones you want to accept.

I told you what I meant. I told you it wasn't what you keep thinking it is. I'm not mad you reacted. I'm mad you won't listen to me.

You only listen to the words that you feel you can use against me. And you only deal with the things I say that you care about.

Edited 2022-12-06 02:15 (UTC)

No, that is not what I'm doing!

[She switches over to audio, out of the desperate, possibly futile hope that if he can hear the frustration in her voice, he'll believe her.]

I don't care about using anything against you, and I am so sick of you assuming the worst of me! I'm trying to decide how I feel about the shitty thing you said, John, and it doesn't help when every time I try to talk to you about it, all you can do is turn things about on me and the shitty things that I've done! And you know what? I never decided anything about us not being friends after the greenhouse, so if you assumed that, that was on you!

I didn't. assume. anything. *YOU LITERALLY SAID THAT EARLIER.*

[ And he screenshots an earlier comment and sends it to her. ]

That was you. Telling me. That you decided we were done after the greenhouse.

And if that *WASN'T* what you meant, then maybe you should be more understanding that *SOMETIMES HOW SOMEONE INTERPRETS WHAT YOU SAID IS NOT WHAT YOU MEANT WHEN YOU SAID IT*.

Oh my god, John, are you serious? I literally said the opposite of that! I didn't say I decided we were done, I said I figured you were done, it's right there in black and white--

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, MISTY, that is EXACTLY THE FUCKING POINT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO MAKE: I am ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW. To ME, that sounds like YOU DECIDED we were done after the greenhouse, you DECIDED how I felt and gave up and didn't consider us friends after that. TO ME, IN **BLACK AND WHITE**, that is what it says.

Well, maybe that's because you always assume the worst of me! And also? Angry capslock went out in the late two-thousands!

A GOOD THING I'M FROM 1934 AND OLDER THAN TIME THEN!

[ There's a pause. ]

I don't fucking assume the worst of you. I assume you're acting like me, especially when I'm scared or hurt or feel helpless. So unless I'm the worst, that isn't true!

And I'll turn that right back around on you, Misty: Why *won't* you address the shitty thing you did? If I keep bringing it up, why not just deal with it and then we can get to the thing you want to talk about that we HAVE IN FACT TALKED ABOUT A MILLION FUCKING TIMES NOW but you STILL WON'T FUCKING BELIEVE ME because TO THIS DATE we've addressed that one fucking phrase four times but you have given me a TOTAL NON ANSWER to both assuming I would betray you when I didn't AND to the fact that you used what I said about Arthur to hurt me for NO FUCKING REASON.

So NO, I'm not getting off of it until you address it. We're not talking about a thing that DOES NOT MEAN WHAT YOU KEEP THINKING IT MEANS and I'm not discussing how you feel about it because how you feel about it is determined entirely by what YOU CHOOSE TO BELIEVE and it doesn't MATTER what I say, it HASN'T MATTERED WHAT I SAY ABOUT IT, so there's no FUCKING point.

Edited 2022-12-06 02:44 (UTC)

I told you, I don't want to talk about it on the network. I want to wait until you'll see me.

Edited 2022-12-06 02:45 (UTC)

You didn't specify. I thought you just meant for SHOOTING Arthur.

And I guess we can't discuss either then.

[There's a notable pause before she replies.]

Ever?

No, in person, remember?

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