IC contact for lastvoyages

[citizendetective]

[If I don't have an active post up, feel free to use this post to have your character call, videochat, text, or knock on Misty's door.]

Comments

[greatoldjohn]

...Arthur and I have been through some shit, Misty.

Not to minimize the shitty thing you two did but...

We're handling it.

[citizendetective]

You've gotten a lot more angry with me for a lot less, is my point.

[greatoldjohn]

Okay, first off? I want to be sure:

What do you think I've gotten angry at you about?

[citizendetective]

Didn't we already cover this? Misunderstandings, assumptions on both our parts, etcetera.

[greatoldjohn]

No, I don't think we did.

I talked about things I take issue with. But I want to know what you think I got angry at you for. I don't think assuming anything's been covered is a good idea. Because I only got angry once.

[citizendetective]

Okay.

Because Arthur didn't like me.

[greatoldjohn]

No, I was never angry at you for that. I also wasn't angry about it.

Disappointed, but not angry. And not in you. I know Arthur is difficult.

I also know he's willing to forgive others. So I knew it wasn't necessarily permanent.

And before you assume: it's still not necessarily permanent.

[citizendetective]

So am I, depending on the circumstances. Was it because you assumed I wasn't?

[greatoldjohn]

No, actually.

The only time I got angry was just before the talk.

When you broke the teacup I was scared and frustrated. When you pushed me away over the file, I was frustrated and hurt.

I only got angry when you assumed I don't care about Natalie or what happened to her. That I would ever minimize something like that. When you tried to tell me what I meant and what I felt.

Maybe you weren't thinking of it that way, but it was an easy way to get out of apologizing for something shitty you did. I've apologized a lot because I know I make mistakes. You never have. And warden or inmate, that's not fair.

I do feel bad about what I said, because it was cruel. I told you before that I say awful things when I'm angry. But I don't want to apologize yet, not right now, and not after the things you've done that haven't been addressed. I wouldn't feel it.

[citizendetective]

Well, I still don't like that you said it. And it worries me that you could say it, even out of anger.

[greatoldjohn]

It worries me that you could know that Arthur is blind and that he's been through things like you and Natalie and still bang, multiple times, even after you've been asked not to.

But either we accept that we've both had reactions the other one doesn't like or we're going to remain at a standstill.

[citizendetective]

Do you mean when I was banging on the table?

[greatoldjohn]

The cup and that, yes. Banging, smashing, anything that's loud and sudden; if I'm not there, he has no context for whether something is about to try and kill him.

That was the case for most of our time together.

[citizendetective]

I smashed the cup deliberately, to be cruel. But I smacked the table because I was frustrated. Honestly, I had forgotten I did it at all until now.

[greatoldjohn]

You did it again, slamming the communicator on the table, after you were asked not to. Was that deliberate?

[citizendetective]

No. I don't even remember being asked not to.

I was very worked up.

[Which is a difficult thing to admit to - she very nearly erases that line before pressing send.]

[greatoldjohn]

Okay. And do you think that you would have done it, after being asked not to, if you weren't worked up? Should I worry about you banging around him all the time, because you think it's okay to do that? Should I believe that you think it's okay to do that to him, to hurt him like that, to ignore his pain?

Or did you do something that has no real bearing on your normal thoughts while you were worked up?

...and yes, the comparison is intentional.

[citizendetective]

Do those two things really seem the same to you?

[greatoldjohn]

Tell me how they're different?

[citizendetective]

One is doing something without thinking. The other is thinking something and not meaning to say it out loud.

[greatoldjohn]

Is it?

Because I told you that wasn't what I did.

I have just as much assurance from you that you weren't being callous about Arthur as you have from me that that isn't an expression of what I think. But you expect me to believe you while you don't believe me.

Really, they're the same.

[citizendetective]

Okay, they're different things but the same *situation*.

[greatoldjohn]

They're not that either.

Because both are an expression of apathy, ignoring or minimizing the hurt of someone else. If you were doing the banging on purpose, I'd have to believe you don't care about or don't believe it's truly harmful for you to do that to Arthur.

The only difference is that you were pointedly told not to do it and why before you did it again. Based purely on the facts, I have less reason to believe you than you have to believe me.

Again, I'm trying to point out similarities and differences. I'm not trying to accuse you. I believe you that you got carried away and didn't realize.

[citizendetective]

Another difference is that smacking a table out of anger, without any real malicious intent, is something a lot of people do, but saying "those awful things happened to Natalie a long time ago, but Arthur is hurt NOW" is the kind of thing that most people only say when they're being dismissive.

[greatoldjohn]

Or when they don't know a word to describe something. Which I still don't. I know it's a thing, though, since Natalie and I talked about it before this even happened.

But you'd still rather nitpick my words than apologize for the shitty thing you did that started that discussion. Still. Even after all this. You did it again.

The two shitty things, in fact. And that's a problem, Misty. Because you never admit you fucked up and you never apologize. Not to me, anyway. That's what I get angry about.

Because that's a choice. Mistakes are mistakes, but you keep choosing to do this. And it makes me feel like you don't want to be my friend so much as you want to make me an enemy to triumph against whenever we talk. Because I never told you we weren't friends after the greenhouse. You decided that. And you didn't even tell me you'd decided that. The next time we spoke about Natalie's pairing, you could have said something but you didn't.

So did you just not care about the fact that we weren't going to be friends? Or was it just not convenient to acknowledge that that's how you felt when I was trying to reassure you. When you wanted to know things. When you were acting to protect your secrets. And no, Misty, I'm not mad about all that.

But I am hurt and disappointed.