IC contact for lastvoyages

[citizendetective]

[If I don't have an active post up, feel free to use this post to have your character call, videochat, text, or knock on Misty's door.]

Comments

[greatoldjohn]

I have been that.

I never want to be it again.

It requires a level of apathy that removes all the joy, all the wonder, all the beauty from the world. It is antithetical to love or purpose or meaning.

The tears were awful. But I shed them because I love Arthur. And the thought of him dying alone, in the dark, without me, was too much to bear without them.

[citizendetective]

I think I could find that level of apathy really easily.

[greatoldjohn]

I'm not sure. But I hope you don't.

I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

It's existence, Misty. It's not life.

[citizendetective]

Well, it helps if you don't think of it as apathy. That's a really negative word.

[greatoldjohn]

That doesn't help anything but help you lie to yourself.

Misty, you're worrying me. Why would you want that?

[citizendetective]

I don't always, it's complicated. Ideally I'd like to be able to fully turn it on and off.

[greatoldjohn]

That's not how it works.

It literally can't.

You'll only destroy yourself or those you care for.

[citizendetective]

I don't know, I can sort of do it.

[Turning it back on is harder than turning it off, who knew.]

[greatoldjohn]

You can do it. I don't doubt that.

But it will only cause you misery in the end.

[citizendetective]

Lots of things can do that, John.

[greatoldjohn]

Okay, let me explain it in pieces.

When you feel things, you care about things. When you care about things, you're careful.

When you don't feel things, you don't care about things. And by extension, you aren't careful about them because they don't matter to you.

So if you love a collection of people, when you care about them, you'll protect them and do nice things for them and sometimes you'll be mad at them, but you always remember that they're important to you and you don't want to lose them.

When you don't care about them, the logical part of your mind says 'this is a thing that sometimes makes me unhappy' and the part that would normally say 'but they also make me happy and I want them to exist' isn't there to counter it. And then you murder everyone you know and ruin everything because it makes the most sense at that time.

And then you care again, and oh look, everyone you care about is dead. And you're miserable.

That is an extreme example, but that's roughly how it goes.

[citizendetective]

First of all, I wouldn't do it like that. And second of all, are you speaking from experience?

[greatoldjohn]

Yes.

You don't think you will. Because you're not in that place. And you can't switch back and forth on command.

Every time you switch? Your tolerance for the bad parts of a relationship goes down and it's more and more likely that you'll do something like that. Because those people become less and less real to you. They're just things that are supposed to make you happy and feel good.

They can't hurt you, so there's no consequences to hurting them.

So you can hurt them because you're annoyed.

You can hurt them because it's funny.

You can hurt them because of something they did so far in the past that you shouldn't care about it but you do because why not? It doesn't matter. They can't hurt you. And when the consequences come, you just shut that part off.

And they notice that they can't hurt you. It's unfair, that you can hurt them but they can't hurt you. So they stop caring too. But for them, it means that they don't want to have the good parts. They don't want to be around you. They leave.

But you don't like that. You want the good parts. And you want to be able to hurt them without them being able to hurt you. So you struggle.

And then they're dead.

[citizendetective]

Let me ask you a question, John: do you think I'm not speaking from experience, too?

[greatoldjohn]

You told me you can't do it. It's not something you can depend on. So no, you aren't.

I do think you're speaking from some experience. I always assume that. What else would you be speaking from?

[citizendetective]

Partial experience, then. What I mean is I'm not totally ignorant.

[greatoldjohn]

I never assume you're ignorant, Misty. But there is a big difference between that part and the whole.

I'm not telling you to discount your experience. I'm telling you as a warning because I don't want to see you do something you'll eventually regret.

[citizendetective]

You read Natalie's file, right? About our history?

[greatoldjohn]

I have.

[citizendetective]

Okay.

[That's all she says - no more questions there.]

And how is Arthur?

[greatoldjohn]

Strong. And steady. His legs needs to heal but his hand is back up to snuff. I've been texting as much as possible to get it limber again.

[citizendetective]

So I'm helping you, right now?

[greatoldjohn]

Yes.

As is talking to you.

I *have* missed you.

jfc self why

[citizendetective]

Don't you think it's weird that this is what made us talk again?

Re: jfc self why

[greatoldjohn]

It's been a week, Misty.

We were going to talk today anyway.