IC contact for lastvoyages

[citizendetective]

[If I don't have an active post up, feel free to use this post to have your character call, videochat, text, or knock on Misty's door.]

Comments

After the shit show

[greatoldjohn]

I get it.

But it still hurts.

Especially that you thought I'd hurt her.

She's restricted to my cabin for the time being. I won't restrict her time with you. How Pagan feels is up to him.

If you want me to show you that I can't hurt someone while inside without it being fucking obvious, I can do that. And I sure as fuck don't control anyone's mind so I don't want to hear that either.

I've thought a lot on how our conversations keep going wrong. I have some ideas. Arthur and I talked about it. But like I told Natalie, your friendship is still important to me. Why do you think I keep fighting for it?

You don't get to say shit about Arthur at this point though.

[citizendetective]

[The response comes after several hours.]

I figured you were done the moment you walked out of the greenhouse that day.

[Was she wrong???]

[greatoldjohn]

Why would you think that?

[citizendetective]

Seriously? It seemed like the obvious conclusion to draw, especially after that meeting.

[greatoldjohn]

It's not at all obvious to me. Fights happen. Disagreements happen. Mean things are said. People don't understand each other. That's not the end. It's the middle.

Do you think I don't value your friendship?

That I don't see how special it is that there is something unspeakable, undefinable, we seem to share?

[citizendetective]

I figured you stopped valuing that the moment Arthur didn't like me.

[1/2]

[greatoldjohn]

Arthur finds you frustrating.

Arthur finds *me* frustrating sometimes too. Just like I find him.

Funny enough, he finds you frustrating for the same reason he found me frustrating, especially when we first started out.

But even for him, that isn't the end. Or it doesn't have to be.

[2/2]

[greatoldjohn]

We don't do the thing you do, Misty. Not with each other. Because we're friends.

I don't pretend to be fine when I'm really hurt or angry. And when I said you and I talked about you lying, that was the part I was talking about. I think that's a big part of the disconnect.

The same way you thought I didn't care? I didn't know if you cared. Those 'lies' mess with everything.

When Arthur sounded condescending, that's what it sounds like when someone 'lies' that way. I don't know if you're not used to hearing it from other people, but that's what it's like. Like nothing you feel or say or want matters to them. It fucking sucks. And it sucks even worse when it comes from someone you want to be friends with.

Does that make anything make more sense?

[citizendetective]

Partially.

Do YOU know what it's like to be expected to share vulnerabilities with people? With anyone who asks?

[greatoldjohn]

[ Honesty time. ]

Yes.

Arthur wasn't the first person to open the book, the first person I possessed. I didn't respond well to the others. I rejected them. Refused to take them as a proper partner.

At first, I rejected Arthur too. I tried to manipulate him, used the fact that I held his eyes as leverage to make him do what I wanted, used his confusion at this new world he'd been pulled into to get him to help me. I was cruel, letting him bang his head on a low hanging branch or a staircase to amuse myself when he angered me or trip on things when he didn't want to listen.

It was what I knew, how I'd survived in the dark world. It was how I intended to keep myself from getting sent back. For me, not being able to control him felt like I was one step closer to going back into that hell. I couldn't treat him like a friend or a real partner because letting him see the fear I felt, being vulnerable with him, was terrifying.

In my mind, if I did that? I'd lose everything.

[citizendetective]

[Hooooooooboy, does that ever sound familiar.

There's another lengthy delay before her response comes in.]

I'd like to discuss this in person. And I'd like to see Nat.

[greatoldjohn]

That's not possible at the moment. For a lot of reasons. I think you have a pretty good idea why that might be.

If you want to wait to discuss things, we can.

I'm not hanging up on you, though.

[citizendetective]

When will it be possible? I thought you weren't restricting my time with her.

[greatoldjohn]

Misty.

You shot at Arthur. You shot at a blind man from out of nowhere and you two nearly killed him from bloodloss. You waited until he was the most vulnerable and you attacked him, two on one.

You get to wait.

Not because I don't like you. Not because I don't want to be friends.

Because right now, I need to heal and I need to see Arthur healed. And you get to wait for that because of your part in making that happen.

As for seeing Nat, you need to talk to Pagan. I'm not restricting anything, but I'm also not about to undermine his feelings on the matter.

[citizendetective]

We already talked. I can see her in the evening, before nine.

[greatoldjohn]

Then you're welcome to see her.

Let me know what time you'll be by and I'll make sure I'm out of the room by then.

[citizendetective]

This evening?

[1/2]

[greatoldjohn]

...you *do* realize how much you're making me feel like you don't give a shit about me and you're just in it to see Natalie, right?

[2/2]

[greatoldjohn]

But fine. Sure.

[citizendetective]

This is what I mean by you assuming the worst of me. I asked if I could see you now, and you said no. So I RESPECTED that, the way I'm always told that I'm SUPPOSED TO. And now not pushing your boundaries means I don't actually care?

I can push your boundaries! I am really good at that, John. I can track you down and force you to deal with me, which is what I would ACTUALLY LIKE to do. I only backed off because I thought it would make you HAPPY.

[greatoldjohn]

So Misty, here's a really good example: I told you how I felt. That the way you were doing things hurt my feelings. You got angry, and assumed that what I was doing was telling you that you were wrong and bad and mean and not being respectful.

That wasn't what I was doing. I was telling you, as a friend, that the way you were talking about it, the way you just brushed past seeing me and honed in on just seeing Natalie, hurt. And I didn't tell you that to judge you or to insult you: I told you because you're my friend and my assumption is that as my friend, you don't want to hurt me. I'm offering vulnerability to you because I trust you to want to do the right thing about that vulnerability.

So you can say 'John, that really sucks. I'd like to see you, but I understand why you need a little time.' Maybe even 'I'm sorry I shot your partner' or 'next time, I'll try and hear your side of what's going on before I assume that you abused someone we both care about'.

Being away from you doesn't make me happy. It's not that I don't care about you or want to be away from you. It's that I'm hurting because of what you did, and how you thought of me, and how you spoke to me. I'm hurting because you matter to me, so your actions hurt me when you did those things. And you haven't made any effort to apologize or make those things hurt less.

That's why it hurt more when you just moved on to Natalie. Because it's acting like you don't care that you hurt me; you're just going to move onto the next friend you have.

[citizendetective]

Do you think I'm lying when I say I was trying to respect your wishes?

[greatoldjohn]

Not even a little bit.

Is there a reason you haven't apologized?

[citizendetective]

There's a few, but you need to take me at my word and not just call me manipulative.

[greatoldjohn]

I'll try. I'm not an un-suspicious person.

It will help if you aren't trying to pretend like you don't care.